For several months now I have been on an exciting new diet called The Teenage Boy Diet. It's amazing. {NB Have you noticed that quite a few people seem to call practically everything amazing? Oh that movie was amazing. You look amazing! I heard the party was amazing! That rock is amazing! It seems to be the latest most overused word. The last one was Awesome. Oh - that tin of creamed corn was so awesome!}
But back to the diet. I am the sole creator and inventor of this diet. I take utter and full credit and am deserving of any and all royalties derived from it.
This is it, (it's quite simple, no need to take notes):
1- Eat anything you want to at any time of day in any quantities you desire.
2- {And this is Key}, While eating, stuff as much food as possible into your mouth, making your cheeks bulge like a chipmunks. Then talk. {Talking quite loud seems to have an additional benefit}.
3- Belch. Not a tiny little, hand over your mouth burp, but a gut wrenching, eat splitting, rip roarin BELCH...
4- Focus on the 6 main food groups:
~pizza, (any type)
~eggs, sausage (and/or bacon) and hash browns stuffed into a tortilla and eaten with (shudder) ketchup
~seasoned French fries
~ice cream (chocolate chip seems to be effective)
~cake, brownies, or cookies (any type)
~chips (any type)
5- Lay on your bed as much as possible strumming a guitar, mucking about with your ipod, talking on the phone, or texting.
Falling asleep at odd times of the day is also important. I assume it helps the metabolism in some complex, teenage fashion.
6- Get plenty of acceptable exercise.
Some examples of acceptable exercise would be:
~Playing call of duty or any other on line game. (Apparently they are exhausting).
~Talking about playing call of duty or any other on line game.
~Eye rolling.
~Saying Jeeeeeezzzz in an anguished, disgruntled tone (especially effective if combined with aforementioned eye rolling).
~Flopping off to your room in a huff.
~Riding a dirt bike.
~Talking about riding a dirt bike.
~Texting (great for working that nasty finger flab)
But, you may well ask, will I lose any weight with said diet? And I will answer truthfully:
No.
Though, if you are a teenage boy, you will grow like crazy, develop muscles in places you didn't realize you had them, and become amazingly strong.
If you are the mother of said teenage boy (and presumably not a teenage boy yourself) after a few days of this diet you will begin to feel absolutely horrible.
You will develop reflux, constipation, and odd palpitations at the most unexpected moments.
After a week or more none of your clothes will fit and you will be in despair.
This is the problem with the Teenage Boy Diet. The stupid thing only works for teenage boys.
Other than that it's quite popular. At my house at least.
Lisa Taylor is currently living life on the edge in the mountains of Utah. Mother of five, including "Girly Girl", her beautiful daughter with Down Syndrome, and four crazy boys, Lisa spends her days enjoying nature, writing, homeschooling, and searching for her passport in a no doubt vain attempt to one day escape to the Islands. (Which "Islands" make no difference whatsoever). Lisa records some of her family's adventures as well as her own (often sarcastic) observations upon life in general at her blog Its Own Sweet Will. http://www.neebeep.com/itsownsweetwillneebeepc/ She is a liberal living in a conservative state, a homeschooler who believes in public schools, and a Closet SuperHero Homeschooling Mom brave enough to load 5 kids & 1 husband into a gas guzzling SUV to head across country on road trip after road trip in search of America, Canada and the perfect hamburger or gravy fries. Motto: Life is a Banquet & Most Poor Suckers are Starving To Death -Auntie Mame
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